CRAYPES

Who's a great big bag of dicks? WHY, THAT WOULD BE ME. YOUR LADY OF CUPCAKES.

I know ya'll have been just dying for some new recipe, so I'll give you one. Keep in mind, kids, this is a really easy recipe to mix up, but a lot of practise to get right. THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S GODDAMN CREPE TIME, MOTHERFUCKERS.

As I'm sure you are aware, crepes are not only fucking delicious, but the perfect vehicle for all sorts of lovely toppings. Nutella, whipped cream, strawberries, apple compote, infant tears, the blood of virgins, and even savory toppings as well, which will be covered in a post when I manage to stop smearing mine in Nutella and infant tears (When I run out of nutella and can afford no more).

YOU READY FOR THIS SHIT? DON'T BE SCARED. I'LL BE GENTLE.

Okay, your grocery list for these delicious fuckers is really simple-

2 eggs
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup water
1 cup flour

Oh, and guess what? It's really just as easy as throwing that shit in a bowl and mixing until smooth. Shit, you probably have all that stuff in your cupboards.

Pouring it out is fuckloads harder. Why? Because you're undoubtedly just like me. You don't have one of those fancy-ass crepe griddles do you? FUCK NO YOU DON'T.

FEAR THE FUCK NOT. I WILL SAVE YOU.

BUT HOW? You demand, your fingers desperately scrolling to find my secret to perfect crepes. Well, tough titties. My crepes are still abominations against the MOA, and I've been working at it.

In all honesty, your best bet there hon is gonna be to take a 1/4 c of your mix and lay it down in a large (preferably nonstick, trust me) frying-type pan. As soon as it's in the pan, you want to be turning your pan all sorts of angles, getting that batter in as many places as you possibly can.

That's gonna take work. It's totally up to you how you get that paper-thin crepe on the plate. If you figure it out, let me know. I sure as fuck don't.

Now, onto your cooktime. If you're like me, then fuck timers. Spartans didn't have timers, why do you get one? Nah, keep that fucker in the pan until it looks dryish all across the top. THEN, using a pancake turner, flip it over. That's the bit where I'm grateful for TEFLON (Even if Spartans didn't have them)(Spartans also didn't have crepes).

When your crepe is appropriately golden-y brown, slide that delightful bastard onto a plate and (if you're me) smother it with a layer of the hazelnutty mouth orgasm of ~Nutella~. Fold her in half, roll her up and fill her insides with whipped cream. Prepare thyself. Consume. Repeat.

SOUNDS ALL DIFFICULT AND SHIT, RIGHT? WRONG.

Making a crepe sounds only slightly easier than crawling out of hell, or from the depths of under-the-bed, but in reality, like learning how to make the perfect pancake, it's rarely a gift, and you usually are going to eat a lot of weirdly thick crepes before you get to epic-levels.

AND remember, those fuckers at crepe stands have actual crepe griddles and make fuckloads of them every day. You're making one for breakfast-second-breakfast-elevensies-lunch-tea-dinner-and-supper. Seriously, nobody's judging you when you're throwing down a piece of Nutella-smothered joy.

Au revoir, motherfuckers!

Grandma Aleen's Flower Cookies

GOOD EVENING DRAGON BOGIES. ARE YOU READY FOR MY FAVORITE GODDAMN CHRISTMAS COOKIE?

BETTER HOPE YOU ARE. MEET MY GREAT GRANDMA ALEEN'S FLOWER COOKIES.

Now, I call these delicious little bastards 'Christmas cookies,' but that's because I always get them around Christmas. And USUALLY, these guys will be decorated with holly berries, appropriately non-denominational. But if you are as goddamn clever as I am, these puppies are perfect year-round, to be decorated with whatever the flip flowers or anything you want.

HERE'S YOUR SHIT. SUMMON FROM YOUR MAGICAL PANTRY:

2 c. butter (DO NOT SUBSTITUTE FOR MARGARINE, you animal.)
1/2 c brown sugar
2 egg yokes (Save yo whites, broomheads)
4 c flour
1/2 t salt
A decent handful of finely chopped walnuts
1 can of premade vanilla frosting

BUT HERE IS HOW WE MAKE THESE DELIGHTFULLY SIMPLE LITTLE BASTARDS.

FIRST, Stoke your brick over fires until it pains you to put your hand in it. Or to 350, or 180, the House Elves know.

THEN cream your butter and sugar--use a mixer, because you're not a wizard. Then toss in your egg yokes.

SLOWLY, SLOWLY, add your flour to your mix, letting your magical mixer do all the work, you lazy unicorn turd. Then throw in your salt.

CHILL THAT SHIT. Let your dough get all nice and cool--it's time to roll it into balls--and they should be about the size of walnuts, not that I have any idea what that means. It could be the size of a goblin nad for all I know.

Roll 'em around in your egg whites--which should be frothy like Ronald Weasley's dress robes. Then roll them again in your walnuts--I prefer to grind them like it's the Yule Ball than chop with a knife (and that's not just because I'm not trusted with the knives.).

AND NOW YOU BAKE. FOR 8 to 10 minutes!

They won't be done now. Now, you mash 'em down with a tea spoon. Make a nice little bowl where that frosting's gonna go.

Stick them back in the oven for five more minutes. NOW they're done. Let them cool completely. Completely, cauldron bum.

When they're totally cool, stick a little dollop of frosting in your cookie cavity. Premade? You ask. My Lady! You are of Cupcakes! What is this premade nonsense??
WELL, here's the skinny, blast-ended skanks. A single can of frosting will perfectly fill all these delicious bastards and decorate them all!

Decorate them as you will, I don't really care how. They're your fucking cookies, guys. But enjoy 'em!

Midnight Cookies

Okay kids, I'm finally going to pay attention to you. And we'll be starting with one of my favorite recipes, from one of my favorite recipe books: 1001 Cupcakes, Cookies and Other Tempting Treats. Srsly, gais, this is my fukken bible. Which is to say, a book I borrow heavily from for my own devices.

Okay, mutherfukkers, let's get this party goin'!

Pic from here, because I'm lazy.

Get yer shit together:
9 T butter (Real butter)
1 c sugar (plus some extra for later)
1 egg
1/2 t vanilla extract
1 c all purpose flour
1/3 c unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 t baking soda

Okay kids, first, preheat your Satanic hotbox to at least 350, or 180 for y'all in the civilized world.

Second, beat that butter and sugar like you are the mutherfukken Hulk and it's Loki and he's just been too goddamn adorable until it is as soft and cuddly as Hiddles himself. Add your chicken's period and vanilla--I hope you're using the real shit, you shit--and keep letting your inner Hulk be free!

Now that you're Bruce Banner again, add your dry ingredients slowly. This isn't rocket surgery, but you like your kitchen kinda clean, right?

Okay, now roll out your dough into balls slightly smaller than your beer pong balls that I'm sure you know well. Roll those muthers in some sugar (ya know, if you want to give these a lovely crunch).

Then, bake these delicious bastards in your hell-portal for 10 to 13 minutes.

WIN.

OKAY SOME AFTER NOTES.

I reccomend making at least a double batch of these--or tell no one that you've made them. Of course, nothing is sadder than a tea party for one. Oh god, except a tea party for one where you dressed up? 

Oh hon. Are you okay? Need a talk?

Ohayo!

Heeeeeellllo internet! I'm Murphy, but if you're feeling it, you can call me My Lady of Cupcakes. Or just m'lady. Whatever floats your proverbial boat.
Me, I like cupcakes. And tea parties. And dressing up! There's plenty of other weirdness I love too, but we'll undoubtedly get into that later. With themed tea parties. Which are also totally my jam.
So I'm Murphy, and this is my jam. Prepare yourselves for this glorious circus of DIY, cupcakery, patisserie, and rocking a lovely cup of tea, all flavored with my glorious self, all sparkling personality and biting wit.
Ciao!