Scotcheroos

Buckle up kids, and make an appointment with your dentist: We're makin' Scotcheroos!

This is basically the easiest treat I know how to make, and it's got a super simple ingredient list too. The worst thing is the chocolate, but that's at the end and I promise you, we'll work through this together. I know that bars aren't exactly tea-party material, especially with all this goddamn sugar in it, but damn friends, it's a really nice and comforting food to keep around. The midwest may have failed us in this election, but they sure know how to make food in a casserole dish.

You will need:
1 cup sugar
1 cup light corn syrup
1 - 1 1/2 cups peanut butter
6 cups corn flakes (or Special K if you're into that shit)

1/2 c chocolate chips (I favor milk chocolate)
1/2 c butterscotch chips

In a really big microwaveable bowl, dump your peanut butter, sugar, and corn syrup. Now microwave that shit, thirty seconds at a time, stirring each time until it doesn't seem grainy. Add your corn flakes a cup at a time, stirring carefully. You don't want to break that shit up! Try to make sure that all the flakes get covered in that teeth-rotting deliciousness.
Scrape it all into a 13 x 9 cake pan or casserole dish, and pat it out to relative flatness. While this is cooling a bit on your COUNTERTOP (DO NOT PUT THIS IN A FRIDGE YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO CUT IT), melt your chocolate and butterscotch together.

Let's talk about this now. If you have a double boiler and you know your shit, you are already spades ahead of me because I don't remember any of that shit. I melt it in a decent-sized (ie: lots of stirring room) bowl in the microwave. I microwave on a very low temp for short bursts, stirring frequently. Do NOT get water in your chocolate. Do NOT heat it too quickly, or on too high a heat. This is a slow operation that requires a lot of patience.
If your chocolate does seize up (starts to look dry and unappetizing) DON'T PANIC! Add a little bit of vegetable oil slowly and stir it in with the chocolate slowly. It'll help rehydrate the chocolate (which is very very dry).

Once you have melted chocolate, spread it over the peanut butter mass. Try to spread it nice and even, but perfection won't happen. Let that shit cool too (All the way. Half-melted chocolate is not good eats). Cut it into smallish bars with a sharp knife and double check the date on that dental appointment.

Fun Princess Fact: Most recipes call for double the chocolate I do, but I think that is just waaaay too much. If you're into that though, shit is the same, just use a cup of chocolate chips and a cup of buttersccotch chips.

Pumpkin Raisin!

Okay, I know it's a little late, but all the cans of pumpkin are on sale now! So let's talk about an autumn tradition for me, and it is called Pumpkin Raisin Twist and it is goddamn delightful.

Now I have a magical elf machine that I dump ingredients into, and Jenkins does all the work (Did I name my bread machine Jenkins? Fuck yes I did.). If you don't have a magical elf machine, you have to read this WHOLE post and then some. Also, why the fuck don't you have a magical elf machine? They're like, five bucks at a yard sale. Jesus, you call yourself a fukken fairy princess? Pathetic.

Okay, this is for everyone. Let's get our bread-makin' on, and let's start by getting all your things together for the little elf man. 

3/4 C canned pumpkin

2 t orange peel

1/3 c orange juice

3 T sugar

3 T butter

1 egg

3 c all purpose flour (yes, all purpose.)

1 pkg or 2 1/4 t active dry yeast 

1 1/2 t pumpkin pie spice

3/4 t salt

3/4 c raisins

1 T milk

1 t poppy seeds

Got all that shit? Got it premeasured in fancy ass little glass bowls? No you don't, what the fuck is this, Food Network? Hell no. Go ahead and A) dump that shit in order into your magical elf machine on a DOUGH setting, EXCEPT for the raisins, the milk and the poppy seeds, that shit is for later, or B, mix is all slowly by hand until it's a dough then let it sit. I dunno, bro, I have a goddamn magical elf machine, I don't have to worry about that shit. Twenty minutes into your bread cycle (or just as the dough is done coming together) dump your raisins in. If you're doing this my hand, just knead them in just as the dough is together. This isn't rocket surgery.

FAST FORWARD. Dough cycle is fukken done (or your dough has doubled in size). Pull your dough out and slice it into three equal pieces. These three pieces are going to be braided, because fuck yeah. Since I have the world's Worst Camera on a Phone, I'll leave William-Sonoma's guide to braiding bread.

BAM. BRAIDED LIKE A GRADE SCHOOL SLUMBER PARTY. Now let it sit under a towel for like, half an hour (I'm just gonna watch an episode of Over the Garden Wall here...) to get all big and delicious looking. You also want your oven to get to 350F. Personally, I have cold-ass hands, so my bread sits on the range to get some of that ambient heat.

FUCK YEAH, ALMOST DONE. Now your badass pumpkin bread just has to bake for 25-30 minutes (Episode 2...) AND IT IS ALLLLLLIIIIIIVE. Actually it's not. But it is done, and it's fucking delicious.

Consume immediately, with butter for optimum pumpkiness, or toast that shit. Holy shit, my friends. TOAST THIS BREAD.

BEST CUPCAKES EVER (Orange and Buttermilk Cupcakes)

Okay, so story time. A while ago, I had a copy of 1001 Cupcakes, Cookies & Other Tempting Treats. I loved that cookbook. With a terrible passion. I tested recipes. I scribbled notes in margins, attached post-its of changes I made (Like the all caps note of ALWAYS DOUBLE BATCH across the banner of Midnight Cookies).  I loved that cookbook.
And then it was lost to the filthy batshit house when I hastily moved out.
Luckily, I had already scrawled the best cookie recipe ever across this blog. Also, it's actually possible to find copies of that recipe flung across the internet. Guess what recipe you can't find, anywhere across this entire hellhole?? MY FAVORITE CUPCAKE RECIPE.
Buttermilk and Orange Cupcakes are a form of ambrosia. Seriously. They're only a little bit sweet, with a mellow buttermilk flavor that is just fucking perfect with the light--practically sunny-- flavor of orange juice.
This recipe may change, as I have just acquired a new copy of 1001 CC&OTT. I haven't had time for notes, but I need this recipe on the internet ASAP.

Here's what you need for these beauties:
3/4 c brown sugar
1/2 c soft butter
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1 1/2 c all-purpose flour
3/4 t baking powder
1/2 baking soda
1/2 buttermilk
also some orange rind?? (totes optional)

The frosting just needs 2 (ish) cups of powdered sugar, 1/2 cup of butter (also soft), some more orange rind (if you want) and about 1 tablespoon of orange juice.

Okay, set your oven to 350 F and let's get mixing. You know the drill--cream your brown sugar and butter. Then mix your eggs in one by one, then slowly add dry ingredients, ect. ect. Add your buttermilk and orange rind at the very end, folding them in gently.
Bam! Batter! Okay, I hope you prepared your muffin tin--twelve cakes' worth. It'll seem like not enough batter, but these guys don't rise much at all. They need to bake for about twenty, twenty-five minutes. My current oven is super unreliable, so it's hard to say.

MEANWHILE BACK AT THE RANCH. Frosting is frosting, folks. Cream some butter, then slowly add one of your cups of powdered sugar. Add your orange juice. The books says one tablespoon, but I usually just wing it. Then it's time for your other cup of sugar.  Now, I used to have a hell of a sweet tooth, but my damned maturing tastebuds aren't really into that nowadays. I usually cut as much sugar as I can, and add some cornstarch. About 1/4 cup.

Okay, that's it. I assume you all know the toothpick trick, where you poke it with a toothpick and if it comes out clean it's done. And I ASSUME you all know about waiting for cake to cool completely before frosting it, otherwise the butter in the frosting will get all runny and gross. I mean, obviously you know all that. Duh.

Anyway friends, this is seriously my favorite cupcake recipe, and even though I'm posting this for me, I'm also posting it for you.