Scotcheroos

Buckle up kids, and make an appointment with your dentist: We're makin' Scotcheroos!

This is basically the easiest treat I know how to make, and it's got a super simple ingredient list too. The worst thing is the chocolate, but that's at the end and I promise you, we'll work through this together. I know that bars aren't exactly tea-party material, especially with all this goddamn sugar in it, but damn friends, it's a really nice and comforting food to keep around. The midwest may have failed us in this election, but they sure know how to make food in a casserole dish.

You will need:
1 cup sugar
1 cup light corn syrup
1 - 1 1/2 cups peanut butter
6 cups corn flakes (or Special K if you're into that shit)

1/2 c chocolate chips (I favor milk chocolate)
1/2 c butterscotch chips

In a really big microwaveable bowl, dump your peanut butter, sugar, and corn syrup. Now microwave that shit, thirty seconds at a time, stirring each time until it doesn't seem grainy. Add your corn flakes a cup at a time, stirring carefully. You don't want to break that shit up! Try to make sure that all the flakes get covered in that teeth-rotting deliciousness.
Scrape it all into a 13 x 9 cake pan or casserole dish, and pat it out to relative flatness. While this is cooling a bit on your COUNTERTOP (DO NOT PUT THIS IN A FRIDGE YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO CUT IT), melt your chocolate and butterscotch together.

Let's talk about this now. If you have a double boiler and you know your shit, you are already spades ahead of me because I don't remember any of that shit. I melt it in a decent-sized (ie: lots of stirring room) bowl in the microwave. I microwave on a very low temp for short bursts, stirring frequently. Do NOT get water in your chocolate. Do NOT heat it too quickly, or on too high a heat. This is a slow operation that requires a lot of patience.
If your chocolate does seize up (starts to look dry and unappetizing) DON'T PANIC! Add a little bit of vegetable oil slowly and stir it in with the chocolate slowly. It'll help rehydrate the chocolate (which is very very dry).

Once you have melted chocolate, spread it over the peanut butter mass. Try to spread it nice and even, but perfection won't happen. Let that shit cool too (All the way. Half-melted chocolate is not good eats). Cut it into smallish bars with a sharp knife and double check the date on that dental appointment.

Fun Princess Fact: Most recipes call for double the chocolate I do, but I think that is just waaaay too much. If you're into that though, shit is the same, just use a cup of chocolate chips and a cup of buttersccotch chips.

Pumpkin Raisin!

Okay, I know it's a little late, but all the cans of pumpkin are on sale now! So let's talk about an autumn tradition for me, and it is called Pumpkin Raisin Twist and it is goddamn delightful.

Now I have a magical elf machine that I dump ingredients into, and Jenkins does all the work (Did I name my bread machine Jenkins? Fuck yes I did.). If you don't have a magical elf machine, you have to read this WHOLE post and then some. Also, why the fuck don't you have a magical elf machine? They're like, five bucks at a yard sale. Jesus, you call yourself a fukken fairy princess? Pathetic.

Okay, this is for everyone. Let's get our bread-makin' on, and let's start by getting all your things together for the little elf man. 

3/4 C canned pumpkin

2 t orange peel

1/3 c orange juice

3 T sugar

3 T butter

1 egg

3 c all purpose flour (yes, all purpose.)

1 pkg or 2 1/4 t active dry yeast 

1 1/2 t pumpkin pie spice

3/4 t salt

3/4 c raisins

1 T milk

1 t poppy seeds

Got all that shit? Got it premeasured in fancy ass little glass bowls? No you don't, what the fuck is this, Food Network? Hell no. Go ahead and A) dump that shit in order into your magical elf machine on a DOUGH setting, EXCEPT for the raisins, the milk and the poppy seeds, that shit is for later, or B, mix is all slowly by hand until it's a dough then let it sit. I dunno, bro, I have a goddamn magical elf machine, I don't have to worry about that shit. Twenty minutes into your bread cycle (or just as the dough is done coming together) dump your raisins in. If you're doing this my hand, just knead them in just as the dough is together. This isn't rocket surgery.

FAST FORWARD. Dough cycle is fukken done (or your dough has doubled in size). Pull your dough out and slice it into three equal pieces. These three pieces are going to be braided, because fuck yeah. Since I have the world's Worst Camera on a Phone, I'll leave William-Sonoma's guide to braiding bread.

BAM. BRAIDED LIKE A GRADE SCHOOL SLUMBER PARTY. Now let it sit under a towel for like, half an hour (I'm just gonna watch an episode of Over the Garden Wall here...) to get all big and delicious looking. You also want your oven to get to 350F. Personally, I have cold-ass hands, so my bread sits on the range to get some of that ambient heat.

FUCK YEAH, ALMOST DONE. Now your badass pumpkin bread just has to bake for 25-30 minutes (Episode 2...) AND IT IS ALLLLLLIIIIIIVE. Actually it's not. But it is done, and it's fucking delicious.

Consume immediately, with butter for optimum pumpkiness, or toast that shit. Holy shit, my friends. TOAST THIS BREAD.

BEST CUPCAKES EVER (Orange and Buttermilk Cupcakes)

Okay, so story time. A while ago, I had a copy of 1001 Cupcakes, Cookies & Other Tempting Treats. I loved that cookbook. With a terrible passion. I tested recipes. I scribbled notes in margins, attached post-its of changes I made (Like the all caps note of ALWAYS DOUBLE BATCH across the banner of Midnight Cookies).  I loved that cookbook.
And then it was lost to the filthy batshit house when I hastily moved out.
Luckily, I had already scrawled the best cookie recipe ever across this blog. Also, it's actually possible to find copies of that recipe flung across the internet. Guess what recipe you can't find, anywhere across this entire hellhole?? MY FAVORITE CUPCAKE RECIPE.
Buttermilk and Orange Cupcakes are a form of ambrosia. Seriously. They're only a little bit sweet, with a mellow buttermilk flavor that is just fucking perfect with the light--practically sunny-- flavor of orange juice.
This recipe may change, as I have just acquired a new copy of 1001 CC&OTT. I haven't had time for notes, but I need this recipe on the internet ASAP.

Here's what you need for these beauties:
3/4 c brown sugar
1/2 c soft butter
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1 1/2 c all-purpose flour
3/4 t baking powder
1/2 baking soda
1/2 buttermilk
also some orange rind?? (totes optional)

The frosting just needs 2 (ish) cups of powdered sugar, 1/2 cup of butter (also soft), some more orange rind (if you want) and about 1 tablespoon of orange juice.

Okay, set your oven to 350 F and let's get mixing. You know the drill--cream your brown sugar and butter. Then mix your eggs in one by one, then slowly add dry ingredients, ect. ect. Add your buttermilk and orange rind at the very end, folding them in gently.
Bam! Batter! Okay, I hope you prepared your muffin tin--twelve cakes' worth. It'll seem like not enough batter, but these guys don't rise much at all. They need to bake for about twenty, twenty-five minutes. My current oven is super unreliable, so it's hard to say.

MEANWHILE BACK AT THE RANCH. Frosting is frosting, folks. Cream some butter, then slowly add one of your cups of powdered sugar. Add your orange juice. The books says one tablespoon, but I usually just wing it. Then it's time for your other cup of sugar.  Now, I used to have a hell of a sweet tooth, but my damned maturing tastebuds aren't really into that nowadays. I usually cut as much sugar as I can, and add some cornstarch. About 1/4 cup.

Okay, that's it. I assume you all know the toothpick trick, where you poke it with a toothpick and if it comes out clean it's done. And I ASSUME you all know about waiting for cake to cool completely before frosting it, otherwise the butter in the frosting will get all runny and gross. I mean, obviously you know all that. Duh.

Anyway friends, this is seriously my favorite cupcake recipe, and even though I'm posting this for me, I'm also posting it for you.

CRAYPES

Who's a great big bag of dicks? WHY, THAT WOULD BE ME. YOUR LADY OF CUPCAKES.

I know ya'll have been just dying for some new recipe, so I'll give you one. Keep in mind, kids, this is a really easy recipe to mix up, but a lot of practise to get right. THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S GODDAMN CREPE TIME, MOTHERFUCKERS.

As I'm sure you are aware, crepes are not only fucking delicious, but the perfect vehicle for all sorts of lovely toppings. Nutella, whipped cream, strawberries, apple compote, infant tears, the blood of virgins, and even savory toppings as well, which will be covered in a post when I manage to stop smearing mine in Nutella and infant tears (When I run out of nutella and can afford no more).

YOU READY FOR THIS SHIT? DON'T BE SCARED. I'LL BE GENTLE.

Okay, your grocery list for these delicious fuckers is really simple-

2 eggs
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup water
1 cup flour

Oh, and guess what? It's really just as easy as throwing that shit in a bowl and mixing until smooth. Shit, you probably have all that stuff in your cupboards.

Pouring it out is fuckloads harder. Why? Because you're undoubtedly just like me. You don't have one of those fancy-ass crepe griddles do you? FUCK NO YOU DON'T.

FEAR THE FUCK NOT. I WILL SAVE YOU.

BUT HOW? You demand, your fingers desperately scrolling to find my secret to perfect crepes. Well, tough titties. My crepes are still abominations against the MOA, and I've been working at it.

In all honesty, your best bet there hon is gonna be to take a 1/4 c of your mix and lay it down in a large (preferably nonstick, trust me) frying-type pan. As soon as it's in the pan, you want to be turning your pan all sorts of angles, getting that batter in as many places as you possibly can.

That's gonna take work. It's totally up to you how you get that paper-thin crepe on the plate. If you figure it out, let me know. I sure as fuck don't.

Now, onto your cooktime. If you're like me, then fuck timers. Spartans didn't have timers, why do you get one? Nah, keep that fucker in the pan until it looks dryish all across the top. THEN, using a pancake turner, flip it over. That's the bit where I'm grateful for TEFLON (Even if Spartans didn't have them)(Spartans also didn't have crepes).

When your crepe is appropriately golden-y brown, slide that delightful bastard onto a plate and (if you're me) smother it with a layer of the hazelnutty mouth orgasm of ~Nutella~. Fold her in half, roll her up and fill her insides with whipped cream. Prepare thyself. Consume. Repeat.

SOUNDS ALL DIFFICULT AND SHIT, RIGHT? WRONG.

Making a crepe sounds only slightly easier than crawling out of hell, or from the depths of under-the-bed, but in reality, like learning how to make the perfect pancake, it's rarely a gift, and you usually are going to eat a lot of weirdly thick crepes before you get to epic-levels.

AND remember, those fuckers at crepe stands have actual crepe griddles and make fuckloads of them every day. You're making one for breakfast-second-breakfast-elevensies-lunch-tea-dinner-and-supper. Seriously, nobody's judging you when you're throwing down a piece of Nutella-smothered joy.

Au revoir, motherfuckers!

Grandma Aleen's Flower Cookies

GOOD EVENING DRAGON BOGIES. ARE YOU READY FOR MY FAVORITE GODDAMN CHRISTMAS COOKIE?

BETTER HOPE YOU ARE. MEET MY GREAT GRANDMA ALEEN'S FLOWER COOKIES.

Now, I call these delicious little bastards 'Christmas cookies,' but that's because I always get them around Christmas. And USUALLY, these guys will be decorated with holly berries, appropriately non-denominational. But if you are as goddamn clever as I am, these puppies are perfect year-round, to be decorated with whatever the flip flowers or anything you want.

HERE'S YOUR SHIT. SUMMON FROM YOUR MAGICAL PANTRY:

2 c. butter (DO NOT SUBSTITUTE FOR MARGARINE, you animal.)
1/2 c brown sugar
2 egg yokes (Save yo whites, broomheads)
4 c flour
1/2 t salt
A decent handful of finely chopped walnuts
1 can of premade vanilla frosting

BUT HERE IS HOW WE MAKE THESE DELIGHTFULLY SIMPLE LITTLE BASTARDS.

FIRST, Stoke your brick over fires until it pains you to put your hand in it. Or to 350, or 180, the House Elves know.

THEN cream your butter and sugar--use a mixer, because you're not a wizard. Then toss in your egg yokes.

SLOWLY, SLOWLY, add your flour to your mix, letting your magical mixer do all the work, you lazy unicorn turd. Then throw in your salt.

CHILL THAT SHIT. Let your dough get all nice and cool--it's time to roll it into balls--and they should be about the size of walnuts, not that I have any idea what that means. It could be the size of a goblin nad for all I know.

Roll 'em around in your egg whites--which should be frothy like Ronald Weasley's dress robes. Then roll them again in your walnuts--I prefer to grind them like it's the Yule Ball than chop with a knife (and that's not just because I'm not trusted with the knives.).

AND NOW YOU BAKE. FOR 8 to 10 minutes!

They won't be done now. Now, you mash 'em down with a tea spoon. Make a nice little bowl where that frosting's gonna go.

Stick them back in the oven for five more minutes. NOW they're done. Let them cool completely. Completely, cauldron bum.

When they're totally cool, stick a little dollop of frosting in your cookie cavity. Premade? You ask. My Lady! You are of Cupcakes! What is this premade nonsense??
WELL, here's the skinny, blast-ended skanks. A single can of frosting will perfectly fill all these delicious bastards and decorate them all!

Decorate them as you will, I don't really care how. They're your fucking cookies, guys. But enjoy 'em!

Midnight Cookies

Okay kids, I'm finally going to pay attention to you. And we'll be starting with one of my favorite recipes, from one of my favorite recipe books: 1001 Cupcakes, Cookies and Other Tempting Treats. Srsly, gais, this is my fukken bible. Which is to say, a book I borrow heavily from for my own devices.

Okay, mutherfukkers, let's get this party goin'!

Pic from here, because I'm lazy.

Get yer shit together:
9 T butter (Real butter)
1 c sugar (plus some extra for later)
1 egg
1/2 t vanilla extract
1 c all purpose flour
1/3 c unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 t baking soda

Okay kids, first, preheat your Satanic hotbox to at least 350, or 180 for y'all in the civilized world.

Second, beat that butter and sugar like you are the mutherfukken Hulk and it's Loki and he's just been too goddamn adorable until it is as soft and cuddly as Hiddles himself. Add your chicken's period and vanilla--I hope you're using the real shit, you shit--and keep letting your inner Hulk be free!

Now that you're Bruce Banner again, add your dry ingredients slowly. This isn't rocket surgery, but you like your kitchen kinda clean, right?

Okay, now roll out your dough into balls slightly smaller than your beer pong balls that I'm sure you know well. Roll those muthers in some sugar (ya know, if you want to give these a lovely crunch).

Then, bake these delicious bastards in your hell-portal for 10 to 13 minutes.

WIN.

OKAY SOME AFTER NOTES.

I reccomend making at least a double batch of these--or tell no one that you've made them. Of course, nothing is sadder than a tea party for one. Oh god, except a tea party for one where you dressed up? 

Oh hon. Are you okay? Need a talk?

Ohayo!

Heeeeeellllo internet! I'm Murphy, but if you're feeling it, you can call me My Lady of Cupcakes. Or just m'lady. Whatever floats your proverbial boat.
Me, I like cupcakes. And tea parties. And dressing up! There's plenty of other weirdness I love too, but we'll undoubtedly get into that later. With themed tea parties. Which are also totally my jam.
So I'm Murphy, and this is my jam. Prepare yourselves for this glorious circus of DIY, cupcakery, patisserie, and rocking a lovely cup of tea, all flavored with my glorious self, all sparkling personality and biting wit.
Ciao!