Now I have a magical elf machine that I dump ingredients into, and Jenkins does all the work (Did I name my bread machine Jenkins? Fuck yes I did.). If you don't have a magical elf machine, you have to read this WHOLE post and then some. Also, why the fuck don't you have a magical elf machine? They're like, five bucks at a yard sale. Jesus, you call yourself a fukken fairy princess? Pathetic.
Okay, this is for everyone. Let's get our bread-makin' on, and let's start by getting all your things together for the little elf man.
3/4 C canned pumpkin
2 t orange peel
1/3 c orange juice
3 T sugar
3 T butter
1 egg
3 c all purpose flour (yes, all purpose.)
1 pkg or 2 1/4 t active dry yeast
1 1/2 t pumpkin pie spice
3/4 t salt
3/4 c raisins
1 T milk
1 t poppy seeds
Got all that shit? Got it premeasured in fancy ass little glass bowls? No you don't, what the fuck is this, Food Network? Hell no. Go ahead and A) dump that shit in order into your magical elf machine on a DOUGH setting, EXCEPT for the raisins, the milk and the poppy seeds, that shit is for later, or B, mix is all slowly by hand until it's a dough then let it sit. I dunno, bro, I have a goddamn magical elf machine, I don't have to worry about that shit. Twenty minutes into your bread cycle (or just as the dough is done coming together) dump your raisins in. If you're doing this my hand, just knead them in just as the dough is together. This isn't rocket surgery.
FAST FORWARD. Dough cycle is fukken done (or your dough has doubled in size). Pull your dough out and slice it into three equal pieces. These three pieces are going to be braided, because fuck yeah. Since I have the world's Worst Camera on a Phone, I'll leave William-Sonoma's guide to braiding bread.
BAM. BRAIDED LIKE A GRADE SCHOOL SLUMBER PARTY. Now let it sit under a towel for like, half an hour (I'm just gonna watch an episode of Over the Garden Wall here...) to get all big and delicious looking. You also want your oven to get to 350F. Personally, I have cold-ass hands, so my bread sits on the range to get some of that ambient heat.
FUCK YEAH, ALMOST DONE. Now your badass pumpkin bread just has to bake for 25-30 minutes (Episode 2...) AND IT IS ALLLLLLIIIIIIVE. Actually it's not. But it is done, and it's fucking delicious.
Consume immediately, with butter for optimum pumpkiness, or toast that shit. Holy shit, my friends. TOAST THIS BREAD.
FAST FORWARD. Dough cycle is fukken done (or your dough has doubled in size). Pull your dough out and slice it into three equal pieces. These three pieces are going to be braided, because fuck yeah. Since I have the world's Worst Camera on a Phone, I'll leave William-Sonoma's guide to braiding bread.
BAM. BRAIDED LIKE A GRADE SCHOOL SLUMBER PARTY. Now let it sit under a towel for like, half an hour (I'm just gonna watch an episode of Over the Garden Wall here...) to get all big and delicious looking. You also want your oven to get to 350F. Personally, I have cold-ass hands, so my bread sits on the range to get some of that ambient heat.
FUCK YEAH, ALMOST DONE. Now your badass pumpkin bread just has to bake for 25-30 minutes (Episode 2...) AND IT IS ALLLLLLIIIIIIVE. Actually it's not. But it is done, and it's fucking delicious.
Consume immediately, with butter for optimum pumpkiness, or toast that shit. Holy shit, my friends. TOAST THIS BREAD.
